sometimes...

sometimes its nice to just not care. of course, its very hard to do...but sometimes i wish i can. i feel like nothing i do can change anything and i just wish for once, my efforts can be recognized and maybe change something. i know i shouldnt be expecting anything, yet it's hard to not want and hope. its not expectation, its just.......it's like 11:11, you know its not going to happen, yet u cant help but wait for it every night. im trying so hard, i feel like im going to just break down and do something stupid. i always admire those who seem so happy in a relationship, or even just alone. maybe my problem is that im always so caught up in thinking of ways that i can make him happy that im forgetting that maybe me being happy will make him happy. but of course it doesnt ever work like that. ive been trying to not get upset for 4 days now....trying so so so hard but its not working. he's right i cant be happy with him. i always feel like he cant care...or he doesnt want to. everytime things like this happen, i yell, i make a big scene out of it...i just really really want him to hug me and say that everything is fine. hug me tight...so tight i cant breathe and just tell me its ok. that he cares and not just stand there and let me yell at him. if only sometimes...sometimes ='[