I Love You

its been raining for a while now. yesterday i woke up like any other day. i didnt feel any different. got up in the morning and caught the early bus to go to school. only difference is that i had an AP test that day...AP chinese. my brother told mke to stay home ill later. even my mom did. and yet, stubbornly i didnt stay. the day went by unlike other days cause i get to legally skip classes. before the AP test at around noon, i went to check my email. i saw that my cousin emailed me....with the subject being "THE END" my heart stopped....i knew something happened and i knew what that thing is. i just cant believe it. i sat there in shock for a few minutes texting my mom asking her what's wrong with grandma. my mom replyed with her broken english "she is died"i feel like its not real. im in denial. all i want is to just see her again. my grandma is truely the only person that actually has always been there for me. shes like my first best friend. the person that i love the most. i feel as though im just faking it...faking my tears. deep down i know im not but crying makes me feel like it is so. they say you always hide your real feelings. today i went on with the day without crying...just twice...when i saw my cousin and now. oh and with isaiah but thats only cause i feel so alone in this world. idk how to say it. the only person i told today was Mr. Huie...idk why. maybe its cause of his round body structure like my grandma's that make it easier to tell him. whatever it is, i just dont know how to anyone else this horrible and tragic news. so here i am blogging about it. in a way im sligtly happy for my grandma. shes been in the hospital for so long. i think she might want this. i hope shes in a better place now not suffering from the pain. i remember when i just came to the USA, my grandma and brother was all that i really had. my dad worked all the time. my grandma is funny, shes exciting and shes wise. she used to tell me stories about WWII and about how the japanese were there and whatnot. i love her. i truely truely love her. and thinking back to hose times when i wont call her for weeks, i regret it. i'll never hear her voice again. i can never touch her, hug her, hold her hands. i miss hre so much. lately it just seem like heaven's crying for her too. if i can only hold her hand again...to just tell her i love her again. i really hope she know. she care so much about me. i know im her favorite grandchild along with my brother. i know she love me....i just hope she know i love her too. im so surprised that its only till now that i started crying again for her.  is it cause i know shes in a better place now or is it because i dont care? it scares me. rest in peace. i know that you'll be taken care of up there. i just dont know what to do now. who will i be looking forward to seeing the most when i visit China? who can i worry about now? i feel so alone...so so alone. but i know you'll be looking after me. I love You.RIP September 14, 1929- May 9, 2012.