I Love You

its been raining for a while now. yesterday i woke up like any other day. i didnt feel any different. got up in the morning and caught the early bus to go to school. only difference is that i had an AP test that day...AP chinese. my brother told mke to stay home ill later. even my mom did. and yet, stubbornly i didnt stay. the day went by unlike other days cause i get to legally skip classes. before the AP test at around noon, i went to check my email. i saw that my cousin emailed me....with the subject being "THE END" my heart stopped....i knew something happened and i knew what that thing is. i just cant believe it. i sat there in shock for a few minutes texting my mom asking her what's wrong with grandma. my mom replyed with her broken english "she is died"i feel like its not real. im in denial. all i want is to just see her again. my grandma is truely the only person that actually has always been there for me. shes like my first best friend. the person that i love the most. i feel as though im just faking it...faking my tears. deep down i know im not but crying makes me feel like it is so. they say you always hide your real feelings. today i went on with the day without crying...just twice...when i saw my cousin and now. oh and with isaiah but thats only cause i feel so alone in this world. idk how to say it. the only person i told today was Mr. Huie...idk why. maybe its cause of his round body structure like my grandma's that make it easier to tell him. whatever it is, i just dont know how to anyone else this horrible and tragic news. so here i am blogging about it. in a way im sligtly happy for my grandma. shes been in the hospital for so long. i think she might want this. i hope shes in a better place now not suffering from the pain. i remember when i just came to the USA, my grandma and brother was all that i really had. my dad worked all the time. my grandma is funny, shes exciting and shes wise. she used to tell me stories about WWII and about how the japanese were there and whatnot. i love her. i truely truely love her. and thinking back to hose times when i wont call her for weeks, i regret it. i'll never hear her voice again. i can never touch her, hug her, hold her hands. i miss hre so much. lately it just seem like heaven's crying for her too. if i can only hold her hand again...to just tell her i love her again. i really hope she know. she care so much about me. i know im her favorite grandchild along with my brother. i know she love me....i just hope she know i love her too. im so surprised that its only till now that i started crying again for her.  is it cause i know shes in a better place now or is it because i dont care? it scares me. rest in peace. i know that you'll be taken care of up there. i just dont know what to do now. who will i be looking forward to seeing the most when i visit China? who can i worry about now? i feel so alone...so so alone. but i know you'll be looking after me. I love You.RIP September 14, 1929- May 9, 2012.

sometimes...

sometimes its nice to just not care. of course, its very hard to do...but sometimes i wish i can. i feel like nothing i do can change anything and i just wish for once, my efforts can be recognized and maybe change something. i know i shouldnt be expecting anything, yet it's hard to not want and hope. its not expectation, its just.......it's like 11:11, you know its not going to happen, yet u cant help but wait for it every night. im trying so hard, i feel like im going to just break down and do something stupid. i always admire those who seem so happy in a relationship, or even just alone. maybe my problem is that im always so caught up in thinking of ways that i can make him happy that im forgetting that maybe me being happy will make him happy. but of course it doesnt ever work like that. ive been trying to not get upset for 4 days now....trying so so so hard but its not working. he's right i cant be happy with him. i always feel like he cant care...or he doesnt want to. everytime things like this happen, i yell, i make a big scene out of it...i just really really want him to hug me and say that everything is fine. hug me tight...so tight i cant breathe and just tell me its ok. that he cares and not just stand there and let me yell at him. if only sometimes...sometimes ='[

if he knew...

i wish he can tell what i want. i know its selfish but seriously...=[ i tell him what i want and he doesnt do anything. today i told him i was jealous about the "<3 =]"he put on another girls fb wall. then he just laugh in my face. i wish he would get jealous...sigh!!! these days now all i can say is hi...idk..and sigh...SIGHHHH =''[

=)

PROJECT "DONT GIVE A FUCK" STARTS NOW AS OF MARCH 21, 2011 10:37PM

your right

your right...i realize now we'll never be happy together. correction...you'll never be happy. i can never do that kind of magic toward you.

of course

typical me to expect so much from one person. i think i need a vction from my brain and just go like fuck it. his mom was right, i shouldnt be "sweating him". seriously who the fuck am i? who the fuck am i to be managing his time for him. its not like we're going to get married. its not like i matter as much as i hope to. most of all im just a no one that he is trying to drift away from. story of my life. need to stop. stop caring. stop calling and texting. stop talking. and most of all stop loving.

so much has happened for the past few days...

that i feel so alone, like im no help to anyone. i found out that im going to go to China during February vacaction. i should be happy right? but no...the only reason why im going back is because m grandma's health is failing. if you dont know already she is the most important person in my life.i dont want her to leave me...NEVER! i cant even bare the thought of it. it sucks. and another thing, it means i wont be able to see isaiah for more than a week..im going to miss him so much...i told him to behave...............................while im gone................i hope he does..........................and i hope HOPE wish that my grandma will be fine....