so much has happened for the past few days...

that i feel so alone, like im no help to anyone. i found out that im going to go to China during February vacaction. i should be happy right? but no...the only reason why im going back is because m grandma's health is failing. if you dont know already she is the most important person in my life.i dont want her to leave me...NEVER! i cant even bare the thought of it. it sucks. and another thing, it means i wont be able to see isaiah for more than a week..im going to miss him so much...i told him to behave...............................while im gone................i hope he does..........................and i hope HOPE wish that my grandma will be fine....

CITIES CHAMPIONSHIP!!!

so guess what school got first in cities and divison? of course mine! <3 i got 3rd in the mile!

Sleeping till NOON!

on the phone with babe at 1:06 listening to him play video games with marquis...what can be better? LMFAO!!! Picture is of babe when hes a child =] cute!

First Real Date?

today i woke up at around 9:20 to my baby's text. i have noticed that some of my best days are created by waking up to his text. today we were going to go to the movies to water The Grey. i have no idea what it is about but if he picked it then its probably good. i got to the theater a few minutes before he did and when he got here, we watched the movie. after the movies, we got on the green line and went to Tin Tin's buffet. we met up with beshaunn, brian, daiquann, jesse, eric, sonny, kathy, and shane. we ate and afterward went to sonny's house and watched a few videos. i got to lay down with isaiah and it was very comfortable. one thing that i didnt like was the fact that other people keep "abusing our feelings" about the PDA which we dont even do anymore. i can see that it kinda hurt his feelings and at the same time it hurt mine. i felt unwanted at the house and at tin tin's. im so glad babe didnt see it or he might get very upset also. i dont like it when its like this. i hate how people cant just accept us...it really suck sometimes. after sonny's house,Jesse drove me,brian, and kathy home. when we were almost at brian's house, we got pulled over by a policeman. it seemed like something straight out of a movie. it was crazy. i got home at around 8:15. Daiquann drove isaiah and the rest of the people home. i have a confession. idk if its good or bad. i feel as though isaiah isnt crazy about me anymore. idk if its good or bad. we went to the movies today for the first time in a long time and we basically kissed less than 10 times. no super makeout, nothing. just simple kisses...maybe tongued 3 times but thats it. idk if its good that we dont go crazy anymore or if he just dont want to kiss me. its bothering me so much but i cant even tell him. im scared. over all it was a very very good day...but i think im just too insecure or something. please let it be that. i dont want to end it with him again. i dont want him to cheat on me again. im scared...terrified. i just hope he can prove me wrong every time. another thing...he keeps telling me that he like me but its barely i love you. does he just like me or does he like and love me? every time he saids "i like you" part of me dies a little.not that i dont want him to like me...but i want him to love me. they say like and love are the same thing except when you love someone you will never let them go. but when you like someone, its a simple attraction, that it will fade away. i dont want us to fade away. never. Please Babe, never let me go?

RIP

even though i only saw you less than 10 times since fifth grade, i still teared up for you. at 6:30ish in the morning, i got a phone call from my best friend Yanlee and she was crying. i thought that it was about dominic again but it wasnt. she was crying and cry and all i can hear is "she fell, my grandma fell." all i can think about was ok? get her up...but it wasnt like that. she kept crying and crying and i realized that it was more serious than that. i found out that she had a stroke and i cant help but tear up. i keep remembering the fried rice that she made me two three years ago. by the end of the day, i called Yanlee at least 3 times and when she finally picked up, i didnt realize that grandma zhao had already left us. i still remember the last conversation that i had with her grandma. she came up to me and said "hey junfeng! do you know any asian super markets around her?" and i said "lol no not really i dont come to quincy often." i miss her even tho i dont know her that well. RIP Grandma Zhao! <3

I should choke on my insecurity and die =[

today was pretty. weather was nice and it felt good. today like any other normal Wednesdays, i went to school. on the way there, i received my good morning text my my sweetheart like usual. idk why but even though he does that almost every morning, i still get the warm feeling of love. and like usual, babe beat me to school. when i got inside, he was playing 13 with his friend so i joined too. and the rest of the day went beautifully just like that. after school, i went to the school library with him to pick up our books White Tiger. After that we proceed to going to our last track meet. This one was against English high and i swear im not going to do well. As it turns out, i did and got first place =] Babe also did pretty well even though he does not agree. during his last last, about 20m left to the finish line, this stupid kid from English pushed him and caused him to almost fall. I hate how people dont look where they are going when they run. Please, you have eyes. I beat my PR (personal record)! i got a 6:48 or something like that and my old record used to be a 7:02. i feel really happy! =] then after baby finished the 1000m, he came and proceed to tell me that *she who must not be named* is also there. I cant believe that she's in the same building as me. I start to wonder, my heartbeat racing, my insecurities flood my brain causing my to suffocate and slowly yet painfully drown in my own deep thoughts. i feel as though she has a purpose, there are too many people like her, i know too many of them that lets me know that her purposes are wicked. Maybe shes only here for her friends at English High but i know now to not think that way because i have already experience the way she play in the game of love and heartbreaks. She is too calm, too smiley. For some, a smile can hide the sorrow in their heart like mine. For others like her, it is used to hide evil plans too obscene to be spoken of. I cant help but try to make sure that isaiah was not affected by her unwanted presence. I dislike the fact that every time shes's around me or him, i feel like the person i was six terrifying months ago. As we sit and watch the 2 mile race, "swag" came to isaiah and together they had a conversation. In his hand, Swag held a box of what appears to look like bake goods. I know they are made by that person. After Swag left, isaiah told me that she made him cheesecake and instantly i feel a flush of anger. I dont know where it came from, me,him, or her, or maybe its a combination of all three. Angry because i should be the one making him food, angry because shes still trying to get him, to fuck with my mind, angry because he still have this connection with her that i want to rip apart but i know i dont have the strength to. I said "we need to have a talk right now!" he held onto me tightly but not too tightly for fear that he might hurt me. His hug was meant to make me feel secure but it was not helping "calm down " he said. so i did. i am beyond upset by the fact that she can ruin my mood just like that. When we were leaving, she was just there outside the door as if she was waiting for him or something. We walked past her and i stared at her, all the while she was smiling. Smiling like she has something to say, as if she know something that i dont, as if she has a plan or something to yet ruin my life again. NO! i dont like it one bit. He went to the orange line with me and when hes about to leave, i wanted him to stay forever. i kissed him as passionately as i can. no, as demanding as i can like it was a way for me to tell him my unspoken words. i keep having this horrible thought that he might just go back and find her and hang out with her for the day or that shes going to go talk and text MY BOYFRIEND. i waited for his text and every time he doesnt text me right back , i get so scared and paranoid. i dont like this, i dont want this, i dont deserve this. i went to Sweets first and got an Oreo and Cream Cupcake, then i went to CVS with Darlene. while being there, he send me one of the most reassuring text ever. i could feel the tears building up in my eyes. i love him. so much. sometimes its breathtaking, my lungs could collapse any second. i love love love him. and no matter how many times i say it, it just cant express enough. i know love is a strong and i know this is.