I Love You

its been raining for a while now. yesterday i woke up like any other day. i didnt feel any different. got up in the morning and caught the early bus to go to school. only difference is that i had an AP test that day...AP chinese. my brother told mke to stay home ill later. even my mom did. and yet, stubbornly i didnt stay. the day went by unlike other days cause i get to legally skip classes. before the AP test at around noon, i went to check my email. i saw that my cousin emailed me....with the subject being "THE END" my heart stopped....i knew something happened and i knew what that thing is. i just cant believe it. i sat there in shock for a few minutes texting my mom asking her what's wrong with grandma. my mom replyed with her broken english "she is died"i feel like its not real. im in denial. all i want is to just see her again. my grandma is truely the only person that actually has always been there for me. shes like my first best friend. the person that i love the most. i feel as though im just faking it...faking my tears. deep down i know im not but crying makes me feel like it is so. they say you always hide your real feelings. today i went on with the day without crying...just twice...when i saw my cousin and now. oh and with isaiah but thats only cause i feel so alone in this world. idk how to say it. the only person i told today was Mr. Huie...idk why. maybe its cause of his round body structure like my grandma's that make it easier to tell him. whatever it is, i just dont know how to anyone else this horrible and tragic news. so here i am blogging about it. in a way im sligtly happy for my grandma. shes been in the hospital for so long. i think she might want this. i hope shes in a better place now not suffering from the pain. i remember when i just came to the USA, my grandma and brother was all that i really had. my dad worked all the time. my grandma is funny, shes exciting and shes wise. she used to tell me stories about WWII and about how the japanese were there and whatnot. i love her. i truely truely love her. and thinking back to hose times when i wont call her for weeks, i regret it. i'll never hear her voice again. i can never touch her, hug her, hold her hands. i miss hre so much. lately it just seem like heaven's crying for her too. if i can only hold her hand again...to just tell her i love her again. i really hope she know. she care so much about me. i know im her favorite grandchild along with my brother. i know she love me....i just hope she know i love her too. im so surprised that its only till now that i started crying again for her.  is it cause i know shes in a better place now or is it because i dont care? it scares me. rest in peace. i know that you'll be taken care of up there. i just dont know what to do now. who will i be looking forward to seeing the most when i visit China? who can i worry about now? i feel so alone...so so alone. but i know you'll be looking after me. I love You.RIP September 14, 1929- May 9, 2012.

sometimes...

sometimes its nice to just not care. of course, its very hard to do...but sometimes i wish i can. i feel like nothing i do can change anything and i just wish for once, my efforts can be recognized and maybe change something. i know i shouldnt be expecting anything, yet it's hard to not want and hope. its not expectation, its just.......it's like 11:11, you know its not going to happen, yet u cant help but wait for it every night. im trying so hard, i feel like im going to just break down and do something stupid. i always admire those who seem so happy in a relationship, or even just alone. maybe my problem is that im always so caught up in thinking of ways that i can make him happy that im forgetting that maybe me being happy will make him happy. but of course it doesnt ever work like that. ive been trying to not get upset for 4 days now....trying so so so hard but its not working. he's right i cant be happy with him. i always feel like he cant care...or he doesnt want to. everytime things like this happen, i yell, i make a big scene out of it...i just really really want him to hug me and say that everything is fine. hug me tight...so tight i cant breathe and just tell me its ok. that he cares and not just stand there and let me yell at him. if only sometimes...sometimes ='[

if he knew...

i wish he can tell what i want. i know its selfish but seriously...=[ i tell him what i want and he doesnt do anything. today i told him i was jealous about the "<3 =]"he put on another girls fb wall. then he just laugh in my face. i wish he would get jealous...sigh!!! these days now all i can say is hi...idk..and sigh...SIGHHHH =''[

=)

PROJECT "DONT GIVE A FUCK" STARTS NOW AS OF MARCH 21, 2011 10:37PM

your right

your right...i realize now we'll never be happy together. correction...you'll never be happy. i can never do that kind of magic toward you.

of course

typical me to expect so much from one person. i think i need a vction from my brain and just go like fuck it. his mom was right, i shouldnt be "sweating him". seriously who the fuck am i? who the fuck am i to be managing his time for him. its not like we're going to get married. its not like i matter as much as i hope to. most of all im just a no one that he is trying to drift away from. story of my life. need to stop. stop caring. stop calling and texting. stop talking. and most of all stop loving.

so much has happened for the past few days...

that i feel so alone, like im no help to anyone. i found out that im going to go to China during February vacaction. i should be happy right? but no...the only reason why im going back is because m grandma's health is failing. if you dont know already she is the most important person in my life.i dont want her to leave me...NEVER! i cant even bare the thought of it. it sucks. and another thing, it means i wont be able to see isaiah for more than a week..im going to miss him so much...i told him to behave...............................while im gone................i hope he does..........................and i hope HOPE wish that my grandma will be fine....

CITIES CHAMPIONSHIP!!!

so guess what school got first in cities and divison? of course mine! <3 i got 3rd in the mile!

Sleeping till NOON!

on the phone with babe at 1:06 listening to him play video games with marquis...what can be better? LMFAO!!! Picture is of babe when hes a child =] cute!

First Real Date?

today i woke up at around 9:20 to my baby's text. i have noticed that some of my best days are created by waking up to his text. today we were going to go to the movies to water The Grey. i have no idea what it is about but if he picked it then its probably good. i got to the theater a few minutes before he did and when he got here, we watched the movie. after the movies, we got on the green line and went to Tin Tin's buffet. we met up with beshaunn, brian, daiquann, jesse, eric, sonny, kathy, and shane. we ate and afterward went to sonny's house and watched a few videos. i got to lay down with isaiah and it was very comfortable. one thing that i didnt like was the fact that other people keep "abusing our feelings" about the PDA which we dont even do anymore. i can see that it kinda hurt his feelings and at the same time it hurt mine. i felt unwanted at the house and at tin tin's. im so glad babe didnt see it or he might get very upset also. i dont like it when its like this. i hate how people cant just accept us...it really suck sometimes. after sonny's house,Jesse drove me,brian, and kathy home. when we were almost at brian's house, we got pulled over by a policeman. it seemed like something straight out of a movie. it was crazy. i got home at around 8:15. Daiquann drove isaiah and the rest of the people home. i have a confession. idk if its good or bad. i feel as though isaiah isnt crazy about me anymore. idk if its good or bad. we went to the movies today for the first time in a long time and we basically kissed less than 10 times. no super makeout, nothing. just simple kisses...maybe tongued 3 times but thats it. idk if its good that we dont go crazy anymore or if he just dont want to kiss me. its bothering me so much but i cant even tell him. im scared. over all it was a very very good day...but i think im just too insecure or something. please let it be that. i dont want to end it with him again. i dont want him to cheat on me again. im scared...terrified. i just hope he can prove me wrong every time. another thing...he keeps telling me that he like me but its barely i love you. does he just like me or does he like and love me? every time he saids "i like you" part of me dies a little.not that i dont want him to like me...but i want him to love me. they say like and love are the same thing except when you love someone you will never let them go. but when you like someone, its a simple attraction, that it will fade away. i dont want us to fade away. never. Please Babe, never let me go?

RIP

even though i only saw you less than 10 times since fifth grade, i still teared up for you. at 6:30ish in the morning, i got a phone call from my best friend Yanlee and she was crying. i thought that it was about dominic again but it wasnt. she was crying and cry and all i can hear is "she fell, my grandma fell." all i can think about was ok? get her up...but it wasnt like that. she kept crying and crying and i realized that it was more serious than that. i found out that she had a stroke and i cant help but tear up. i keep remembering the fried rice that she made me two three years ago. by the end of the day, i called Yanlee at least 3 times and when she finally picked up, i didnt realize that grandma zhao had already left us. i still remember the last conversation that i had with her grandma. she came up to me and said "hey junfeng! do you know any asian super markets around her?" and i said "lol no not really i dont come to quincy often." i miss her even tho i dont know her that well. RIP Grandma Zhao! <3

I should choke on my insecurity and die =[

today was pretty. weather was nice and it felt good. today like any other normal Wednesdays, i went to school. on the way there, i received my good morning text my my sweetheart like usual. idk why but even though he does that almost every morning, i still get the warm feeling of love. and like usual, babe beat me to school. when i got inside, he was playing 13 with his friend so i joined too. and the rest of the day went beautifully just like that. after school, i went to the school library with him to pick up our books White Tiger. After that we proceed to going to our last track meet. This one was against English high and i swear im not going to do well. As it turns out, i did and got first place =] Babe also did pretty well even though he does not agree. during his last last, about 20m left to the finish line, this stupid kid from English pushed him and caused him to almost fall. I hate how people dont look where they are going when they run. Please, you have eyes. I beat my PR (personal record)! i got a 6:48 or something like that and my old record used to be a 7:02. i feel really happy! =] then after baby finished the 1000m, he came and proceed to tell me that *she who must not be named* is also there. I cant believe that she's in the same building as me. I start to wonder, my heartbeat racing, my insecurities flood my brain causing my to suffocate and slowly yet painfully drown in my own deep thoughts. i feel as though she has a purpose, there are too many people like her, i know too many of them that lets me know that her purposes are wicked. Maybe shes only here for her friends at English High but i know now to not think that way because i have already experience the way she play in the game of love and heartbreaks. She is too calm, too smiley. For some, a smile can hide the sorrow in their heart like mine. For others like her, it is used to hide evil plans too obscene to be spoken of. I cant help but try to make sure that isaiah was not affected by her unwanted presence. I dislike the fact that every time shes's around me or him, i feel like the person i was six terrifying months ago. As we sit and watch the 2 mile race, "swag" came to isaiah and together they had a conversation. In his hand, Swag held a box of what appears to look like bake goods. I know they are made by that person. After Swag left, isaiah told me that she made him cheesecake and instantly i feel a flush of anger. I dont know where it came from, me,him, or her, or maybe its a combination of all three. Angry because i should be the one making him food, angry because shes still trying to get him, to fuck with my mind, angry because he still have this connection with her that i want to rip apart but i know i dont have the strength to. I said "we need to have a talk right now!" he held onto me tightly but not too tightly for fear that he might hurt me. His hug was meant to make me feel secure but it was not helping "calm down " he said. so i did. i am beyond upset by the fact that she can ruin my mood just like that. When we were leaving, she was just there outside the door as if she was waiting for him or something. We walked past her and i stared at her, all the while she was smiling. Smiling like she has something to say, as if she know something that i dont, as if she has a plan or something to yet ruin my life again. NO! i dont like it one bit. He went to the orange line with me and when hes about to leave, i wanted him to stay forever. i kissed him as passionately as i can. no, as demanding as i can like it was a way for me to tell him my unspoken words. i keep having this horrible thought that he might just go back and find her and hang out with her for the day or that shes going to go talk and text MY BOYFRIEND. i waited for his text and every time he doesnt text me right back , i get so scared and paranoid. i dont like this, i dont want this, i dont deserve this. i went to Sweets first and got an Oreo and Cream Cupcake, then i went to CVS with Darlene. while being there, he send me one of the most reassuring text ever. i could feel the tears building up in my eyes. i love him. so much. sometimes its breathtaking, my lungs could collapse any second. i love love love him. and no matter how many times i say it, it just cant express enough. i know love is a strong and i know this is.

Are you sure?

Lately he's been so nice to me. We have our arguments and everything but at the end of the day, hes still mine. What scares me are not the arguments because i know i have a way t fix it. What scares me the most is that he might be lying to be. what scares me the most is that im so madly in love with him. what scares me the most of all is that he's being so nice to me. i feel as though im bathing in love and im so scared that one day when i wake up, it'll all be gone. i wish theres a way for me to read his mind. tobe completely honest, i trust him more and more everyday. to a point where i feel like i can completely trust him again. It should be good right? no. i am scared that when this happen, it wont last. i cant have another heartbreak again. not now. its too soon. today on the bus, i asked him what he meant by the text "i love you. im sorry". he said he feel as though we're moving too fast again and in a way i feel like that too. but how do you slow down a relationship that is as hot as the sun? sometimes i pinch myself to see if this is all real. and no matter how many times i do so, it still feels like im dreaming. if its a dream, i dont want to ever wake up, i want to be in the coma. i want to be in this love drunk coma and never wake up. if i wake, it might all just fade away again. i dont want to lose this, lose him. He said "you make me happy" and i replied with "im glad im doing my job as your girlfriend =] nothing makes me happier than you happy, especially since im the reason =]" and he said "Tehe :-) you r" i feel like the luckiest person ever. PLEASE DONT LET THIS END!

came across this picture again and cant help but remember that wonderful day where i cant stop feeling sad. im so glad those days are over. =]

A depressing yet insanely happy day

HAHA! so today i woke up with baby still on the phone. i went like "hello? hello? ok im going to pee" without him realizing. i know hes going to be so tired today yet im still shaking in fear of our conversation from yesterday. I guess maybe i should just let him relax today...dont want to cause him more stress like he said this is making him. at school he was so sweet, kind of surprising. The the heart attack came during chem and physics. He said "i love you. im sorry" then i got so scared! i thought.....but then it wasnt. that was the scariest hour of physics ever. after physics, he texted me "locker?"and i wrote "yes". the second i saw him i couldnt help but hug him as tightly as i could. it felt astho i might lose him any second but he proved me wrong. he said he was sorry about being a grumpy snorlax this morning. i honestly love him more than i can imagine. i like loving him,i like like like like it! oh...by the way hes that handsome guy right there in the picture. if ur thinking that its the black guy, YOU ARE WRONG! lol! <3

TRACK MEET TODAY! i ran the mile and i did better than i thought. I came in first according to the paper. i watched honey run and he also got first in the 1000m. what made me upset was that this idiot who clearly need glasses with no manners bulldozed him after he finished. Isaiah crossed the finish line and the kid from Dorchester just ran right into him and make baby fall. it upset me so much =[ but my lover is so nice he just walked away.

After track he didnt feel so well...so he went home right after. so i went home with darlene. life is pretty good right now. i hope it stays this way forever! =]

I love my day -_-

Today was supposed to be wonderful. SUPPOSED TO. today i was going to hang out with my friends and it was supposed to be wonderful. the sky was bright and it was sunny and it seemed like everything will be good. i woke up at 4:44am to a text message to my new/old boyfriend. it was so sweet i loved it. i fell back asleep and later he texted me at 7 something to tell me that hes going to church and that right after church he will come out and see me. He did and we went to Chinatown together with Yanlee, Olivia, Brian, and Beckett. After that we went to eat at this cafe and then we went to downtown. Thats when everything is horrible. The homewreker called and i got upset like all the other girls. then hes going to YMS with that unholy person. then he decides to not pick up my call and not text me back. i love how u can tell me not to worry and then pull this shit. fuck this shit im done

MACHO!

This is Macho. he's going to be a football player when he grows up! Best dog ever? I think so =]